a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
ok first of all what the fuck
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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