New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm getting married
To pizza
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
