I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
