You're a womanizer and a bitch.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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