somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
