apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
