he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You're like the curious george of whores
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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