Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
