I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
