I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2