If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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