note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Randomize
