Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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