Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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