I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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