I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
50% drunk capacity currently
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize