Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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