I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The air was thick with penises
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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