How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
