Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
