$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
