you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
