i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
