you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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