i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
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