Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
