What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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