My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize