i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
