im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
