My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Did I show you my penis last night?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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