M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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