Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
