I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
