im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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