smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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