1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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