Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
well you can't waste a boner
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
