If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
