Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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