This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
