what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
