I will die if light touches me.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
