Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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