please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
