My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
