I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
