we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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