is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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