She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
