This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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