Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
