I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
