i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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